gold

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a snowflake can bring joy in
an otherwise dulled existence
he hovers just below my radar
and shines tiny nuggets of
glistening gold onto my eyelids
without explanation or request
for returned favors
a hummed tuned inside my head
sends me to the echo in his
and i wander forward
expecting nothing yet
receiving showers of sunshine
from faraway places

i will wait this time
and see

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rachel

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she who has read so many of these words
with the patience of an angel
and the care of a lion tamer

she who smiles with the innocence she had long since lost
but so often found again
in the faces of many

she who shines with a light beaconed out to the lost souls
comforting all but loving select few
who meet her secret demands

she who could be the devil if you asked her right
will always know where the music plays
and touches the hidden orchestra of all our hearts

2002

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back and forth to forward and back
a wish-wash across a palindrome
we slid and dove deep into surfaceless adventures
while others skated on thin ice

loss left us
feeling empty and sad
like we’d finally had enough
disappointment in a shimmery blue sky gone cloudy
could be swept away again by
the knowing smile of an old friend
or the decadent taste of a newer one

expanse reigned as we contracted

overwhelming nonsense can make
giddy girls giggle on a stoop
and when remembrances are long forgotten
we will always have these nights together

break

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when i was ten did i really
fall to right off my bike
only to have my left knee break?
there are faces stuccoed to my brain
and only time and the occasional
spiritual sandpaper make them smooth again
what have i hoped to learn?
what have i learned to hope?
old hot buttons can still be pressed
but at least now i know how
to turn the alarms

off.

blank walls

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the paths in front of me
are painted on the same four walls
and it doesn’t take but a bit
of chemical induction
to make them all look like
paradise

the paint i could use
costs something more
than i can afford so
i still have my sharpie
bleeding into my back pocket
and my book is full

i’ve been taking little
excursions into blindness
and if all the universe allows for me
are fleeting moments of relief
in flights of fancy
then sign me up

this is my bedroom
this is my living room
this is what i live
thist is where i am
sure, peek in the windows
and peel apart the curtains
don’t be surprised when
you find the door is unlocked
don’t be surprised when
it looks like i’ve been robbed

color of rose

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(10/27/02)

we held her cold plump hands
and told her it was OK
right before she opened one eye
peered at us
and died
she’s held true on her promises
to haunt us to no end
yelling out instruction from eternity
in her spare time
evil practical jokes via Bette Midler
infect us and we can only laugh
to know now that
souls not humans
have color that isn’t of rainbows
and humor that isn’t of this earth

standing it

Standard

(10/21/02)

i stood over you with a washcloth on your neck
while you puked into the kitchen sink
just to see if i could stand it
and i’m pleased to report that i only dry-heaved once

when we sat on the bathroom floor drenched with
not-the-fun-kind-of-sweat
i waited for the judgement call
had i the selfless nature of a mother
to hold onto you through the worst?

i love you because you say things like
“my mistake, you are right” when you’re wrong
and because we laughed when we cleaned up
your mess
where does the icky green stench of sick fall
on the scale of love?